Phew, nice to look back at that last post and feel relieved. Lately, I’ve been getting along just fine with my parents. Pregnancy has softened those relationships. Which is nice, because everyone is pretty stubborn. I joke that the baby will come out arguing like a lawyer.
I’m 16 weeks now! I had morning sickness through my entire first trimester. I was pretty exhausted too. I’d start my day working until about 3 or 4 when I’d lay down for a drool-y nap. My nausea was all day too. I also found out that other women trip when they find out you’re pregnant. I mentioned it at a gathering to some women, and in each conversation I was immediately embraced and welcomed to the club. I get why women love being pregnant. You really do get this insane mushroom-like love from others. I don’t hate it.
I’ve been a heavy pot smoker for 4+ years. It’s also the industry I work in full-time. I use cannabis daily for pain management and anxiety. So when I found out I was pregnant, I really wanted to consider the best ways to medicate. I discussed with multiple midwives if using cannabis was an issue. They said the same thing, that there wasn’t enough research on either end. The main concern was the actual burning of smoking and it limiting oxygen to the baby.
So I decided to change how and what I smoke. I switched to primarily high CBD strains (so little psychoactive effects) and used edibles like tinctures and cannabis oil to reduce the amount I smoked. Definitely no dabs or questionable cannabis/hash. CBD strains do get dull though and I needed more THC at points to help with appetite. Overall though, using cannabis in my first trimester helped a ton with the nausea and growing pains.In my second trimester, the heartburn is worse than morning sickness. It’s kept me from eating as much, which is where cannabis helps a lot with my appetite. I wasn’t using any pot for close to a week and had a tough time keeping food or water down. Now it’s been a few days where I’ve dosed with oil or smoked flower and I’ve been eating normally.
I’ll learn to dose myself better and hopefully be able to share my regimen with other moms-to-be. When it comes to cannabis and pregnancy, there’s just not this gray area of opinions. I come across people who are 100% for or against it. Women who think dabbing in their first pregnancy is natural or think using cannabis is harmful all together. It’s ignorant on both ends, there just needs to be better education.There’s a large number of women who use cannabis with that number rising (thanks to legalization in CO, WA and overall becoming more of a social norm) so it’d be ridiculous to not address cannabis and pregnancy.
The last person I waited to tell about being pregnant is my own mother. I wasn’t expecting her, or anyone else to react overjoyed for me. I’ve been overly honest about most challenges I’ve dealt with since moving across the country years ago. I get that, mostly based on a reflection of their own lives, that my family is constantly concerned for me. What if, what if, what if? I don’t know about what if. I can’t ask myself those same questions. I can’t predict what life throws at me, and I can’t act like a victim because things are difficult. When I feel that way, I feel like I have a noose around my neck.
So my mom reacted fairly…flat. Dissociated. Sort of confused. The tone alone was painful to hear. My mom didn’t enjoy pregnancy or motherhood. It’s clear as day to anyone that knows her. She just didn’t have that connection, much like her own mother had with her mother. They weren’t kissed and hugged, they weren’t celebrated as beautiful children.
We spoke again where she sounded guilty to have to ask me questions about how I’m doing. I brushed it off and responded, suddenly talking a mile a minute about everything I’m learning or excited about. She spoke over me flatly, “Did you… plan to do this?” Her resentments of her own life couldn’t radiate more. I took a deep breath to respond, “No, mom, I didn’t plan this. Of course not, we have goals and would have probably waited a few more years. This is life though, I have to deal with what comes.” She really didn’t understand and we hung up.
For now, I’m dealing with being okay that the support I was hoping for from her I won’t have. Every way I want to be a mother, isn’t the way my mom felt. That’s more of a reality for me to face than her. It’s not like I’m not scared. But for my own baby, I don’t want to be a victim.
Not that I’ve updated regularly in the past few years, but I changed my last username. A part of me wanted to keep a personal blog alongside my work. I realized I can’t do that, not in the way I want to use this. I don’t want any restrictions. I don’t want someone who pays 50% of my income to accidentally come across me venting somewhere. So, here we go.
"I wrote about my experiences because I thought too many people tell young folks, “I never did anything wrong. Who, Moi? - never I. I have no skeletons in my closet. In fact, I have no closet.” They lie like that and then young people find themselves in situations and they think, “Damn I must be a pretty bad guy. My mom or dad never did anything wrong.” They can’t forgive themselves and go on with their lives. So I wrote the book Gather Together in My Name [about her past as a sex worker]."
— Maya Angelou
Cannabis-related shows worth watching
All 7 seasons of Graham Duff’s Ideal are such a treat to watch. This doesn’t show cannabis in a positive light, but it’s interesting to see what the BBC allowed on air from 2005-2011 before cancelling the show. It’s a dark-comedy based around a couch dealer, Moz, and the different characters that come to and from his apartment.
The soundtrack is the best I’ve heard on a show, ranging from 90’s house to The Fall and Goldfrapp. There are various cameos, too, like this one of Mark E. Smith as Jesus.
Also, it’s a good thing.