The last person I waited to tell about being pregnant is my own mother. I wasn’t expecting her, or anyone else to react overjoyed for me. I’ve been overly honest about most challenges I’ve dealt with since moving across the country years ago. I get that, mostly based on a reflection of their own lives, that my family is constantly concerned for me. What if, what if, what if? I don’t know about what if. I can’t ask myself those same questions. I can’t predict what life throws at me, and I can’t act like a victim because things are difficult. When I feel that way, I feel like I have a noose around my neck.

So my mom reacted fairly…flat. Dissociated. Sort of confused. The tone alone was painful to hear. My mom didn’t enjoy pregnancy or motherhood. It’s clear as day to anyone that knows her. She just didn’t have that connection, much like her own mother had with her mother. They weren’t kissed and hugged, they weren’t celebrated as beautiful children.

We spoke again where she sounded guilty to have to ask me questions about how I’m doing. I brushed it off and responded, suddenly talking a mile a minute about everything I’m learning or excited about. She spoke over me flatly, “Did you… plan to do this?” Her resentments of her own life couldn’t radiate more. I took a deep breath to respond, “No, mom, I didn’t plan this. Of course not, we have goals and would have probably waited a few more years. This is life though, I have to deal with what comes.” She really didn’t understand and we hung up.

For now, I’m dealing with being okay that the support I was hoping for from her I won’t have. Every way I want to be a mother, isn’t the way my mom felt. That’s more of a reality for me to face than her. It’s not like I’m not scared. But for my own baby, I don’t want to be a victim.

Not that I’ve updated regularly in the past few years, but I changed my last username. A part of me wanted to keep a personal blog alongside my work. I realized I can’t do that, not in the way I want to use this. I don’t want any restrictions. I don’t want someone who pays 50% of my income to accidentally come across me venting somewhere. So, here we go. 

"I wrote about my experiences because I thought too many people tell young folks, “I never did anything wrong. Who, Moi? - never I. I have no skeletons in my closet. In fact, I have no closet.” They lie like that and then young people find themselves in situations and they think, “Damn I must be a pretty bad guy. My mom or dad never did anything wrong.” They can’t forgive themselves and go on with their lives. So I wrote the book Gather Together in My Name [about her past as a sex worker]."

Maya Angelou

2. Cannabis-related shows worth watching: Getting Doug with High

I really love Doug Benson’s live show Getting Doug with High where he smokes with fellow comedians. It has room for improvements (what about edibles, Doug?) but I still catch up on it weekly.

Highlights: Tommy Chong being the most adorable stoner ever and referring to people using vaporizers as “intellectuals.”

Aubrey Plaza & Alia Shawkat

Natasha Leggero

Cannabis-related shows worth watching

1. Ideal

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All 7 seasons of Graham Duff’s Ideal are such a treat to watch. This doesn’t show cannabis in a positive light, but it’s interesting to see what the BBC allowed on air from 2005-2011 before cancelling the show. It’s a dark-comedy based around a couch dealer, Moz, and the different characters that come to and from his apartment.

The soundtrack is the best I’ve heard on a show, ranging from  90’s house  to The Fall and Goldfrapp. There are various cameos, too, like this one of Mark E. Smith as Jesus.

Also, it’s a good thing.

Cannabis floral in graphite and charcoal, 2014

Cannabis floral in graphite and charcoal, 2014